Happy equinox dear readers! There’s definitely been some rebirthing energy swirling through the cosmos these last few weeks, and now is the time for the big release – a great reset.
In honor of the seasons changing and life returning to the earth, here are some poetry and haiku that moved through me over the winter. Enjoy!
1
morning after solstice
walking negley
your inner child appears
my swelling heart soared
thinking of all the Love
you have to give her
& all the Love i have
to give you both
when we reunite
2
writing my loved ones
holiday cards
without writing you one
what would it even say?
darling
i’ve missed you
i won’t be dramatic
enumerating all the ways
& all the parts of you i’ve missed
because missing implies lack
& i do catch glimpses of
your wonder in the everyday
but that’s like seeing a globe &
thinking you’re seeing the world
still my mind does wander to
what it would be like to spend
the holidays with you &
your son & your family
picking gifts from angel trees or
shoveling neighbors’ sidewalks
giving him those alternatives
of the many ways to be a man
it’s been a lifetime of winters since
this season has given me merriment
but thinking of spending it with you
& yours opens me up like a present
& that i can feel that
even in your absence
makes me believe –
if not in holiday spirit
then in Spirit Itself &
manifesting alternatives
that i know exist out there
& this year that’s enough
3
just a few aisles down from the shampoos
where we made out like teenagers
a father & daughter
do their last minute shopping
i stop next to the isopropyl wipes
to turn the moment into a poem
instead of a trigger
for another breakdown
4
lawrenceville’s single-screen theatre
was playing one of our old faves
& i couldn’t remember if
we’d seen it in theatres or
on that beat-up couch you inherited
when your roommate moved to ohio
i remembered meeting the author
& getting his autograph
but what else was i forgetting
about what used to be us
the theatre was packed
& i couldn’t remember
when i’d last sat in the dark
with strangers & cried
& you’d think i’d remember if
i had when you were here
because you had a comforting presence
even if i wasn’t present enough to care
& that more than anything reminded me
you don’t doubt true Love
5
i’m sorry you loved
me when i was too depressed
to love myself first
6
it was friday the thirteenth
& snow was lightly falling
waiting for the traffic light
& looking to my right
stood the tall bell tower
i can see from my bedroom
the same bell tower you
see from the other side
& on this lucky day when finally i felt
the heaviness of humaning lifting for good
i thought of how lucky
it was to meet you
& how that meeting allowed me
to meet forgotten parts of myself
& wherever you are
& whoever you are being
i want you to know forgotten parts
always come back when you open the door
it might not always be easy &
there may be resistance but
know those parts are so excited &
so proud of all the work you’re doing
so take as much time as you need
because they will wait for you, too
7
we really found each
other at a beautiful time
thank you; thank You
8
it’s early in shadyside
snow still hugs stumps
& spaces where slowly
Nature comes back
sat at the coffeeshop
where you used to work
when we shoveled snow
up our noses
i’m about the age you were
when i mistook your age
for maturity
(you mistook your Divinity
for mental illness)
but o how you’d hold me –
“twin high-maintenance machines”
long overdue for a tune up
& when nights bled into mornings
that found you slumped in the bathroom
even a keyed-up savior complex
couldn’t save you
sunrise isn’t even a thought where you are now
& i pray you learned to save yourself
& didn’t put that responsibility
on your daughter or her father
9
old lovers talking
falling into the rhythm
of a song ended
10
moon child shines on me
with eyes wide as the sky
saying you’re my achilles
before stopping & correcting
but already there is separation
& it’s not just space between
i took you away from someone
who wouldn’t hold you
& maybe i’m just good at holding
people who need to be held
& lacking arms to hold you
you fell into mine
& like gravity
i let it happen
still i mistook what
wasn’t mine to take
that’s not in alignment with
who i am or who you need
so i’m changing the course
of our celestial bodies
& without your moon in my orbit i see
i’d always take you away from someone
& the only way to not take you away
is to not take you away
11
pine scent sends me back
into the woods with you
sitting by your headstone
12
what tried to destroy
has only made you stronger
hence why you’re still here
13
things falling away
is the natural progression
of expansion
14
there are fewer nights now
when i wander looking
for something to fill
that you-shaped hole
but don’t mistake me
this isn’t lack-based thinking
it’s that feeling of knowing no
thing external will ever satisfy
so her dark hair mixes with mine
when she slurs she loves me
& his dark lips try to kiss
mine against the wall
but neither are you
& like the house across the street
missing its window frames
i am missing you
15
friendship frozen
like frozen river
while authenticity is found
16
you tell me you grieve
the loss of our connection
i grieve the loss of connection
you once had with your Self
& i will wonder until i don’t
how someone so embodied
could be such a
stranger to herself
& maybe it’s because
you are so embodied
so enmeshed in
your kinesthesia
that you’ve come to believe
you are your buzzing movements
or the sad smile that seldom
reaches your quickening eyes
but you know better –
you used to tell me so
but that just proves the difference
between knowing and Knowing
& i Know when you’re
ready you’ll remember:
you are not a body
you are free
17
a friendship ending is
so much worse than
a romance ending
you can’t just drop in
to new inside jokes
like you can a new bed
you won’t be stranded in millvale
like you’ll pull new strands
of hair from your pillow
you can’t stay up all night healing
the same way you can
stay up all night fucking
& maybe worst of all
there’s no song you can
sing-cry in the shower
when you realize
people outgrow people
like plants outgrow pots
18
the brain
thinks
the heart
beats
the Universe
peoples –
you’re no accident
19
when you consciously
commence cutting cords they all
start to unravel
20
some moments in life –
like reiki shares in playgrounds –
transcend poetry
21
Penelope asks
“who will i rest my head on?”
then she finds my chest
22
it was one of those days
i was severing ties for
the seventieth time
& moon child
shined on me again
calling me a great healer
but all i felt like was
a great failure
because i couldn’t heal you
but then i remembered you
said it felt like healing
after our first time
& how you joked
you weren’t broken
after i made you cum
there was so much of you to love
so much potential
that i couldn’t see
you couldn’t love me
because you didn’t love yourself
& i wonder if that’s confusing
because you can love –
your son and friends
would attest to that
& i know i felt it
when we kissed at
the fountain of youth
but without an example
you create your own &
without structure you just flow
formless
23
february rain
falls on umbrella shared by
two men nightwalking
24
we’re either always letting someone go
or letting someone in
& as i let you go to let more in
i don’t know what to do with
all this space i held that you
filled with stories & traumas
what am i to fill my bed with now
except echoes of michelle branch songs
& strands of your hair?
maybe it’s time to wash my sheets
25
contemplating the
consciousness of fire as
flames burn out for you
26
i did not expect
releasing you from my heart
to bring such relief
27
i’ve been thirty-six for a week
& without you for about as many
but it was a seventy-degree february day
& as the sun held me in his warmth
i felt the promise of purpose
awakening in my cells
that will bloom as spring
comes from the underground
28
i swam in the Love/Light
of conscious awareness
& i didn’t drown
29
these mothers remind
mine was the first woman who
lied & broke my heart
30
there’s something graceful
about learning to love the
grief in heart’s breaking
31
i call upon moon child because
i want to write you a letter
not pining, just explaining –
validating
but she shines on me & i
know there’s nothing to say
you get it –
a silence you’ve heard a thousand times
although maybe never this loud
because if it’s like what i’m not hearing
it’s bombastic in a way that makes
stillness seem sustainable
because if your quickspeaking & the
way you’d gazelle over crosswalks
was anxiety from spinning ruminations
& not from that extra shot of espresso
then i understand – i Know –
how loud a head can get
maybe i want to write you
a letter to put that noise to bed
to pull it out like i used to
pull you close as we’d drift off
to say it’s going to be all right –
you were never these spinnings
but a letter would only reopen wounds
we’ve been so consciously healing
so lacking your mailbox i
once again return to poetry
if these words won’t find your eyes
they will find someone else’s
& to those eyes i say
it’s going to be all right
32
you aren’t who you were when we met
which is good
because neither am i
33
deracinating
from the dramas of the day
brings us back to bliss
34
blustery snow squalls
then golden hour sunset –
winter’s last weekend
35
snowing the day before
equinox & i’m thinking
of Love again
Have a wonderful day, dear reader. May you bloom into your highest potential this lovely season. <3