poetry & haiku xiv: vernalis

close up photo of a bed of white flowers

Happy equinox dear readers! There’s definitely been some rebirthing energy swirling through the cosmos these last few weeks, and now is the time for the big release – a great reset.

In honor of the seasons changing and life returning to the earth, here are some poetry and haiku that moved through me over the winter. Enjoy!

morning after solstice
walking negley
your inner child appears

my swelling heart soared
thinking of all the Love
you have to give her

& all the Love i have
to give you both
when we reunite

writing my loved ones
holiday cards

without writing you one
what would it even say?

i’ve missed you

i won’t be dramatic
enumerating all the ways

& all the parts of you i’ve missed
because missing implies lack

& i do catch glimpses of
your wonder in the everyday

but that’s like seeing a globe &
thinking you’re seeing the world

still my mind does wander to
what it would be like to spend

the holidays with you &
your son & your family

picking gifts from angel trees or
shoveling neighbors’ sidewalks

giving him those alternatives
of the many ways to be a man

it’s been a lifetime of winters since
this season has given me merriment

but thinking of spending it with you
& yours opens me up like a present

& that i can feel that
even in your absence

makes me believe –
if not in holiday spirit

then in Spirit Itself &
manifesting alternatives

that i know exist out there
& this year that’s enough

just a few aisles down from the shampoos
where we made out like teenagers

a father & daughter
do their last minute shopping

i stop next to the isopropyl wipes
to turn the moment into a poem

instead of a trigger
for another breakdown

lawrenceville’s single-screen theatre
was playing one of our old faves

& i couldn’t remember if
we’d seen it in theatres or

on that beat-up couch you inherited
when your roommate moved to ohio

i remembered meeting the author
& getting his autograph

but what else was i forgetting
about what used to be us

the theatre was packed
& i couldn’t remember

when i’d last sat in the dark
with strangers & cried

& you’d think i’d remember if
i had when you were here

because you had a comforting presence
even if i wasn’t present enough to care

& that more than anything reminded me
you don’t doubt true Love

i’m sorry you loved
me when i was too depressed
to love myself first

it was friday the thirteenth
& snow was lightly falling

waiting for the traffic light
& looking to my right

stood the tall bell tower
i can see from my bedroom

the same bell tower you
see from the other side

& on this lucky day when finally i felt
the heaviness of humaning lifting for good

i thought of how lucky
it was to meet you

& how that meeting allowed me
to meet forgotten parts of myself

& wherever you are
& whoever you are being

i want you to know forgotten parts
always come back when you open the door

it might not always be easy &
there may be resistance but

know those parts are so excited &
so proud of all the work you’re doing

so take as much time as you need
because they will wait for you, too

we really found each
other at a beautiful time
thank you; thank You

it’s early in shadyside
snow still hugs stumps
& spaces where slowly
Nature comes back

sat at the coffeeshop
where you used to work
when we shoveled snow
up our noses

i’m about the age you were
when i mistook your age
for maturity

(you mistook your Divinity
for mental illness)

but o how you’d hold me –
“twin high-maintenance machines”
long overdue for a tune up

& when nights bled into mornings
that found you slumped in the bathroom
even a keyed-up savior complex
couldn’t save you

sunrise isn’t even a thought where you are now
& i pray you learned to save yourself
& didn’t put that responsibility
on your daughter or her father

old lovers talking
falling into the rhythm
of a song ended

moon child shines on me
with eyes wide as the sky

saying you’re my achilles
before stopping & correcting

but already there is separation
& it’s not just space between

i took you away from someone
who wouldn’t hold you

& maybe i’m just good at holding
people who need to be held

& lacking arms to hold you
you fell into mine

& like gravity
i let it happen

still i mistook what
wasn’t mine to take

that’s not in alignment with
who i am or who you need

so i’m changing the course
of our celestial bodies

& without your moon in my orbit i see
i’d always take you away from someone

& the only way to not take you away
is to not take you away

pine scent sends me back
into the woods with you
sitting by your headstone

what tried to destroy
has only made you stronger
hence why you’re still here

things falling away
is the natural progression
of expansion

there are fewer nights now
when i wander looking
for something to fill
that you-shaped hole

but don’t mistake me
this isn’t lack-based thinking
it’s that feeling of knowing no
thing external will ever satisfy

so her dark hair mixes with mine
when she slurs she loves me
& his dark lips try to kiss
mine against the wall

but neither are you
& like the house across the street
missing its window frames
i am missing you

friendship frozen
like frozen river
while authenticity is found

you tell me you grieve
the loss of our connection

i grieve the loss of connection
you once had with your Self

& i will wonder until i don’t
how someone so embodied

could be such a
stranger to herself

& maybe it’s because
you are so embodied

so enmeshed in
your kinesthesia

that you’ve come to believe
you are your buzzing movements

or the sad smile that seldom
reaches your quickening eyes

but you know better –
you used to tell me so

but that just proves the difference
between knowing and Knowing

& i Know when you’re
ready you’ll remember:

you are not a body
you are free

a friendship ending is
so much worse than
a romance ending

you can’t just drop in
to new inside jokes
like you can a new bed

you won’t be stranded in millvale
like you’ll pull new strands
of hair from your pillow

you can’t stay up all night healing
the same way you can
stay up all night fucking

& maybe worst of all
there’s no song you can
sing-cry in the shower

when you realize
people outgrow people
like plants outgrow pots

the brain
the heart
the Universe
peoples –
you’re no accident

when you consciously
commence cutting cords they all
start to unravel

some moments in life –
like reiki shares in playgrounds –
transcend poetry

Penelope asks
“who will i rest my head on?”
then she finds my chest

it was one of those days
i was severing ties for
the seventieth time

& moon child
shined on me again
calling me a great healer

but all i felt like was
a great failure
because i couldn’t heal you

but then i remembered you
said it felt like healing
after our first time

& how you joked
you weren’t broken
after i made you cum

there was so much of you to love
so much potential
that i couldn’t see

you couldn’t love me
because you didn’t love yourself
& i wonder if that’s confusing

because you can love –
your son and friends
would attest to that

& i know i felt it
when we kissed at
the fountain of youth

but without an example
you create your own &
without structure you just flow


february rain
falls on umbrella shared by
two men nightwalking

we’re either always letting someone go
or letting someone in

& as i let you go to let more in
i don’t know what to do with

all this space i held that you
filled with stories & traumas

what am i to fill my bed with now
except echoes of michelle branch songs

& strands of your hair?
maybe it’s time to wash my sheets

contemplating the
consciousness of fire as
flames burn out for you

i did not expect
releasing you from my heart
to bring such relief

i’ve been thirty-six for a week
& without you for about as many

but it was a seventy-degree february day
& as the sun held me in his warmth

i felt the promise of purpose
awakening in my cells

that will bloom as spring
comes from the underground

i swam in the Love/Light
of conscious awareness
& i didn’t drown

these mothers remind
mine was the first woman who
lied & broke my heart

there’s something graceful
about learning to love the
grief in heart’s breaking

i call upon moon child because
i want to write you a letter

not pining, just explaining –

but she shines on me & i
know there’s nothing to say

you get it –
a silence you’ve heard a thousand times

although maybe never this loud
because if it’s like what i’m not hearing

it’s bombastic in a way that makes
stillness seem sustainable

because if your quickspeaking & the
way you’d gazelle over crosswalks

was anxiety from spinning ruminations
& not from that extra shot of espresso

then i understand – i Know –
how loud a head can get

maybe i want to write you
a letter to put that noise to bed

to pull it out like i used to
pull you close as we’d drift off

to say it’s going to be all right –
you were never these spinnings

but a letter would only reopen wounds
we’ve been so consciously healing

so lacking your mailbox i
once again return to poetry

if these words won’t find your eyes
they will find someone else’s

& to those eyes i say
it’s going to be all right

you aren’t who you were when we met
which is good
because neither am i

from the dramas of the day
brings us back to bliss

blustery snow squalls
then golden hour sunset –
winter’s last weekend

snowing the day before
equinox & i’m thinking
of Love again

Have a wonderful day, dear reader. May you bloom into your highest potential this lovely season. <3

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