poetry & haiku: betwixt equinoxes

red leaf trees near the road

Happy autumn, dear readers! Long time, no words.

Well, I guess I was off living a life to inspire these words. I wanted to share some of these back at the summer solstice but was waylaid or otherwise unable. So instead you get a story told through poetry and haiku from the start of the vernal equinox (spring) to the end of summer and beginning of the autumnal equinox.

May you shed what you don’t need. May you use it to fertilize your greatest intentions. May you have nothing but peace, Love and happiness from this day onward.


i’m learning to Love
the parts of myself where the
body keeps the score

thinking about hands
that held
that bathed
that beat –
for my own alleged good

would that i release this through art
it will be for good
maybe not mine
but it will be good

thinking about hands
how wrinkled &
foreign they looked
spread across paper placemat

did they look like that
when i held them in the cemetery?
when you loosed string
tied to balloon holding
what you wished to release?

& have you released fully
or are you still holding on

look at my hands
the cuts & scrapes
& paper quality of them

they remind me
of your mother’s hands
that held
that bathed
that beat –

worse than you beat
you say

would that i could
hold hands that hurt
transmuting pain
into Love

body’s eyes cannot
look within so be a mirror
& reflect the Light

searching for stillness as march snow falls
hoping love taken serves to teach

i shine the light of salvation within

overwhelmed &
feeling Love deep within –

It has never left Its Source

& the flakes are falling sideways
& a man pedals his bicycle
& runners fill the street

the world is alive
& so am i
celebrating this eastertide

still i want to cry
both for beauty
& sadness

& so i offer that sad self forgiveness –
you didn’t know any better

if you had known better
you would have acted better

but we know better now
we are better now

& with no other arms to hold
i hold myself

& realize i can do this any time
because Love was never external

i am loving with
all i am because that’s all
i am – limitless

full moon circle –
Freya dances fearlessly
waking Love deep within

dancing with Evelyn
as the sacred masculine
brings Light to life

i haven’t had coffee
since i broke fast two fridays ago

even tea has lost its taste
maybe that’s all life is –

the simple stripping away of
what we thought we needed

only to learn we can be
sustained by the Love within

you need not read volumes
or pilgrimage faraway lands
to understand God

only this is required –
the smile of a loved one

big brown eyes look in
to mine & i fall in Love
all over again

you were mishandled
when i get my hands on you
i’ll hold you in Love

you hold so much when
your arms wrap around me –
& still it dissipates

such pure light pours from
your smile & i understand
aloha means Love

smoke from full moon fire
still clings to blue blanket

the one i wanted to wrap around you
on the hillside for the equinox

but boundaries – like bodies –
burn away when hearts match beat

i think of you squinting as you smile
like your own shine blinds you

& i remember an other
who shined looking at me

& i snuffed that out with
ignorant unconsciousness

i’m glad you’re elsewhere

so i don’t get the chance to
take that shine away again

the world seems to cry
when we’re apart – or maybe
this is just spring rain

did daisies bloom
beside the mon before i knew
they were your favorites?

i want to learn your body
where your breath goes

where you hold it
when you’re scared

so i can hold that space until
you can breathe again

when she came through
the bedroom window
she knocked over my ukulele

& it hasn’t fallen again
from where she righted it

& maybe life is
letting people in

to rearrange things
in ways you’d never see

until they climb out
the bedroom window
just before dawn

sun missed us today
but still shined down
like breathing into new places

i hunger to feed you
& not just the preparation

& presentation
& communion

but put your hands in your lap
& part your lips

as silver spoons slide past
to nourish

to feed your soul
the Love & acceptance she craves

she can always have seconds
because time is the only thing we lack

you accept this mess
this undefinable thing
just as he was made

i’m doing that thing
where i think of your smile

& softness comes
to body’s edges

like how sea meets earth
& slowly

rocks surrender to surf

she calls me pretty bird
& it sends me flying

lightening everything dense
& from this elevated state

seeing the Self we share
becomes my primary sight

let’s ride horses
somewhere beautiful
where the horizons never end

dawn’s clouds rising up
like a stairway to beyond
would you follow me?

you smell like a home
i’ve only ever haunted
& now i breathe deep

i could hold you forever
& sink into the stillness
of our Selves

Katie calls you a firecracker
despite never meeting you

your dad calls you ladylike
when you belch like you’re possessed

your ex calls you too much
& says you’re the needy one

& sometimes – unfortunately –
you still believe these projections

but when your eyes soften
& you dance in the shower

& the dimples alight
at the edge of your smile

there’s really only one thing to call you –
God, experiencing a beautiful human

where you see your flaws
Creation’s gentleness is
all i see in you

i would Love you right
the way that you deserve
the way you never were

you say you want
to be healed & held
in my ancient Love –
then silence

red flags look different
when you let Love lead

they aren’t commitment
or communication issues

but instead red flags are
how they handle themselves

how often they betray themselves
letting their boundaries go

how often they say yes
when they really mean no

these red flags burn because
you can’t love someone into loving themselves

& you can’t love someone deeper
than they love themselves

i can be loving
even in my sleep – & i
thought you were the dream

i woke to the greyest day
after releasing you

clouds gathered to weep for us
& another chance missed

i can’t say my body shook
like sturdy trees in the wind

but there was a new depth
to the longing i’d always felt –

a depth you reminded me
i can reach on my own

& when sky dropped its tears
i can’t say my body eyes didn’t do the same

because i was looking inwardly
with different eyes

to that empty space where
your Love had been uprooted

so i gave myself the Love
you couldn’t receive

& now i’ll just stay
half a bed away

from the window
watching the rain

fall into the space
you used to lay

no one ever talks about how
you learn your lover’s laughs

their lilt
& cadence
& timbre

no one ever talks about how
they become clarions in crowds

the surprised ones
& quiet ones
& tired ones

no one ever talks about how
they become another of your lover’s signifiers

like how they order coffee
or how their body moves in the dark
or how still they get when they’re sad

no one ever talks about how
the silence stretches on

when they depart
& the sound of their laughter
becomes an echo

another mother
unable (or unwilling)
to receive my Love

one day
i’ll write the last poem about you
but today isn’t that day

the longing in my
heart is filled with 5rhythms –
illusions dissolve

toddler in tie-dye
waves at self on walnut st
jubilance waves back

Much Love to you, dear readers.

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