Happy autumn, dear readers! Long time, no words.
Well, I guess I was off living a life to inspire these words. I wanted to share some of these back at the summer solstice but was waylaid or otherwise unable. So instead you get a story told through poetry and haiku from the start of the vernal equinox (spring) to the end of summer and beginning of the autumnal equinox.
May you shed what you don’t need. May you use it to fertilize your greatest intentions. May you have nothing but peace, Love and happiness from this day onward.
Enjoy!
1
i’m learning to Love
the parts of myself where the
body keeps the score
2
thinking about hands
that held
that bathed
that beat –
for my own alleged good
would that i release this through art
it will be for good
maybe not mine
but it will be good
thinking about hands
how wrinkled &
foreign they looked
spread across paper placemat
did they look like that
when i held them in the cemetery?
when you loosed string
tied to balloon holding
what you wished to release?
& have you released fully
or are you still holding on
look at my hands
the cuts & scrapes
& paper quality of them
they remind me
of your mother’s hands
that held
that bathed
that beat –
worse than you beat
you say
would that i could
hold hands that hurt
transmuting pain
into Love
3
body’s eyes cannot
look within so be a mirror
& reflect the Light
4
searching for stillness as march snow falls
hoping love taken serves to teach
i shine the light of salvation within
overwhelmed &
feeling Love deep within –
It has never left Its Source
& the flakes are falling sideways
& a man pedals his bicycle
& runners fill the street
the world is alive
& so am i
celebrating this eastertide
still i want to cry
both for beauty
& sadness
& so i offer that sad self forgiveness –
you didn’t know any better
if you had known better
you would have acted better
but we know better now
we are better now
& with no other arms to hold
i hold myself
& realize i can do this any time
because Love was never external
5
i am loving with
all i am because that’s all
i am – limitless
6
full moon circle –
Freya dances fearlessly
waking Love deep within
7
dancing with Evelyn
as the sacred masculine
brings Light to life
8
i haven’t had coffee
since i broke fast two fridays ago
even tea has lost its taste
maybe that’s all life is –
the simple stripping away of
what we thought we needed
only to learn we can be
sustained by the Love within
9
you need not read volumes
or pilgrimage faraway lands
to understand God
only this is required –
the smile of a loved one
10
big brown eyes look in
to mine & i fall in Love
all over again
11
you were mishandled
when i get my hands on you
i’ll hold you in Love
12
you hold so much when
your arms wrap around me –
& still it dissipates
13
such pure light pours from
your smile & i understand
aloha means Love
14
smoke from full moon fire
still clings to blue blanket
the one i wanted to wrap around you
on the hillside for the equinox
but boundaries – like bodies –
burn away when hearts match beat
i think of you squinting as you smile
like your own shine blinds you
& i remember an other
who shined looking at me
& i snuffed that out with
ignorant unconsciousness
suddenly
i’m glad you’re elsewhere
so i don’t get the chance to
take that shine away again
15
the world seems to cry
when we’re apart – or maybe
this is just spring rain
16
did daisies bloom
beside the mon before i knew
they were your favorites?
17
i want to learn your body
where your breath goes
where you hold it
when you’re scared
so i can hold that space until
you can breathe again
18
when she came through
the bedroom window
she knocked over my ukulele
& it hasn’t fallen again
from where she righted it
& maybe life is
letting people in
to rearrange things
in ways you’d never see
until they climb out
the bedroom window
just before dawn
19
sun missed us today
but still shined down
like breathing into new places
20
i hunger to feed you
& not just the preparation
& presentation
& communion
but put your hands in your lap
& part your lips
as silver spoons slide past
to nourish
to feed your soul
the Love & acceptance she craves
she can always have seconds
because time is the only thing we lack
21
you accept this mess
this undefinable thing
just as he was made
22
i’m doing that thing
where i think of your smile
& softness comes
to body’s edges
like how sea meets earth
& slowly
gradually
rocks surrender to surf
23
she calls me pretty bird
& it sends me flying
lightening everything dense
& from this elevated state
seeing the Self we share
becomes my primary sight
24
let’s ride horses
somewhere beautiful
where the horizons never end
25
dawn’s clouds rising up
like a stairway to beyond
would you follow me?
26
you smell like a home
i’ve only ever haunted
& now i breathe deep
27
i could hold you forever
& sink into the stillness
of our Selves
28
Katie calls you a firecracker
despite never meeting you
your dad calls you ladylike
when you belch like you’re possessed
your ex calls you too much
& says you’re the needy one
& sometimes – unfortunately –
you still believe these projections
but when your eyes soften
& you dance in the shower
& the dimples alight
at the edge of your smile
there’s really only one thing to call you –
God, experiencing a beautiful human
29
where you see your flaws
Creation’s gentleness is
all i see in you
30
i would Love you right
the way that you deserve
the way you never were
31
you say you want
to be healed & held
in my ancient Love –
then silence
32
red flags look different
when you let Love lead
they aren’t commitment
or communication issues
but instead red flags are
how they handle themselves
how often they betray themselves
letting their boundaries go
how often they say yes
when they really mean no
these red flags burn because
you can’t love someone into loving themselves
& you can’t love someone deeper
than they love themselves
33
i can be loving
even in my sleep – & i
thought you were the dream
34
i woke to the greyest day
after releasing you
clouds gathered to weep for us
& another chance missed
i can’t say my body shook
like sturdy trees in the wind
but there was a new depth
to the longing i’d always felt –
a depth you reminded me
i can reach on my own
& when sky dropped its tears
i can’t say my body eyes didn’t do the same
because i was looking inwardly
with different eyes
to that empty space where
your Love had been uprooted
so i gave myself the Love
you couldn’t receive
& now i’ll just stay
half a bed away
from the window
watching the rain
fall into the space
you used to lay
35
no one ever talks about how
you learn your lover’s laughs
their lilt
& cadence
& timbre
no one ever talks about how
they become clarions in crowds
the surprised ones
& quiet ones
& tired ones
no one ever talks about how
they become another of your lover’s signifiers
like how they order coffee
or how their body moves in the dark
or how still they get when they’re sad
no one ever talks about how
the silence stretches on
when they depart
& the sound of their laughter
becomes an echo
36
another mother
unable (or unwilling)
to receive my Love
37
one day
i’ll write the last poem about you
but today isn’t that day
38
the longing in my
heart is filled with 5rhythms –
illusions dissolve
39
toddler in tie-dye
waves at self on walnut st
jubilance waves back
Much Love to you, dear readers.
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