depression & suicidal ideation (video)

woman looking at sea while sitting on beach

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. I’d been meaning to make a post about this all month, but – ironically – I was too depressed to do that.

I talk about that in my latest YouTube video:

I’ve been dealing with depression for most of my life, but only recently spoke with a mental health professional about it. What prompted that was that my depressive thoughts spiraled into that of suicidal ideation.

However, even saying that, I feel like it was never that bad. The thoughts would usually get to the point where I was just imagining dying in cool ways or ways that helped people. Or it would just be a complete unwillingness to exist. It never got to the point where I was planning out anything, but that’s probably more due to my penchant for procrastination.

Fortunately, during this depressive episode I find myself in, my thoughts haven’t gotten to that point, and a lot of that has to do with the work I’ve been doing with awareness and mindfulness.

mind your head signage
Kinda almost like this

I’ve been aware of my depressive state all month, and I’m not sure if that’s helped my state. While I’ve not gotten to the point where I’m imagining myself dying after saving kittens from a runaway train or something, I have had a few instances of being tired of this life I’m living. Maybe it’s because I never had a breakdown when the pandemic started. Maybe it’s the state of the political system in America. Whatever the reason, being mindful of these thoughts and feelings has given me a chance to step back from them, to see these thoughts as no more than grey clouds on a stormy day.

Yes, it sucks right now to be in this depressed state, but I know that it won’t last.

If you find yourself feeling similarly, or if someone you know is in an emergency, call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or call 911 immediately.

Remember, there’s no shame in asking for help.

And remember, it can’t rain forever.

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